Bellovian bluster
September 12, 2008 | Author: Paul Sullivan | Filed under: News
My favorite quote from any Saul Bellow novel is: “It’s a policy of mine not to argue with irrational people.” It’s from The Actual, a novella he wrote near the end of his life after he had traded the knock-’em-down rigor of Chicago for whatever twee Boston meant to him. By that point, he was on wife number five, and perhaps four divorces had informed that line. It’s genius nonetheless: we all want to argue with people we think are buffoons, who just don’t get it, who are so interminably boorish that they make us want to scream. I have a friend whose physicist brother is so anti-George Bush that he has changed his email to “impeechtheantichrist@” and decamped to New Zealand. For what? George Bush believes what he believes and some outraged scientist isn’t going to sway him. So, Bush goes on being the decider and this poor fellow is living out the 43rd president’s term among sheep.
Of course, like most things in life it’s easier to subscribe to Bellow in theory than in practice. Whenever I recalled that quote in the past, I did so pridefully: I’m not going to descend into the muck and mire with that cretin; I’m going to stay above that. And I did. But I did because whatever the issue was it didn’t matter. George Bush has been a bad president; I can’t do anything about that other than to vote for someone else.
But then the issue started to matter and what did I do? I spoke to the irrational people. Actually, I screamed at them, that, that gaggle of morons! The issue? My wife and I train guide dogs for charity and these people don’t like it. Since my wife owns a condo in their little association in southwest Florida they want to have a say over where we bring these dogs. The Federal government has a say, too, but we as volunteer trainers fall into the gray area between disabled people who are protected and pet owners who would have to comply with the condo’s no pet policy. Our dogs aren’t pets but we’re not blind. Hence the clash of civilized (us) and uncivilized (all of them, naturally). Add to this a bit of hauteur on my part: dear people, this is a 12-unit condo complex in the sunniest part of the sunniest state - do behave!
The whole thing started absurdly. A fat old man came tearing out of the boat dock, screaming and sputtering at my wife. This was our second visit and I had let my New York guard down. He was yelling something about us having dogs, which was obvious and, we thought, known by the board president. (Turns out he has a shaky memory after a certain hour of the night.) So I did the chivalrous thing and stepped between this sweaty tub and my wife. He yelled. I tried not to. No dogs allowed! No, sir, the rule is no pets; these are service dogs. No dogs! Right, but, you see, sir, these are service dogs… You’re not blind! Then I yelled.
It’s only gotten worse. We were accused of running a business out of the condo we visit 50 days a year (I count the days now and calculate the cost, a bad idea). At Christmas, the property manager snuck around the outside of our condo and took pictures through the sliding glass door - even though we’ve never tried to hide the dogs we train. One of the owners’ daughters screamed at my wife because the dog scared her son (wimp!) only to rush to her parents’ condo to shush her yapping dachshund. There are many more instances but I’ve reacted the same way throughout: I’ve made it worse. I did try to reason with these people but it turns out they’re all bullies or cowards so that didn’t work. (They’re also all from the election battleground states of Ohio, Indiana and Pennsylvania, which worries me more.) When reason didn’t work, I tried to ignore them, like I thought Saul Bellow would have done. But I’ve read Saul Bellow and I’m not Saul Bellow: I yelled more. Then I called them bad names. Then I called an attorney. And a judge. And some policemen. And, well, it’s all ballooned from there.
Today we found out that we’re going to court to give more of our money to the wiley and slow-talking attorneys who feed off of these condo wars. Naturally, I believe ours is a rational man and we look at his hourly rate as a necessary evil: we’d rather be spending these escalating sums on anything else, nice dinners, vacations with rational people, donations to our charity for Christsake! As you might guess, I think their attorney is man without scruples, an ill-informed, over-charging lay-about who cares nothing for charitable acts and is running up the bills so he can buy a bigger boat (which is what every year-round Floridian wants after they have the Mercedes they want). In my calculus, he is the most rational of the irrational people. Why our occasional neighbors are acting as foolishly as they are I do not know. That’s what irrational people do, I guess. And that is all the more reason to practice Bellow!
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